Friday, February 4, 2011

Day 92

Kelsey began Day 1 on Wednesday Feb. 2 at 5:17pm. Today was to be the beginning of her new fight. It is sad we didn't get this opportunity, but then again, as we trust our Heavenly Father, I can only think that He just spared her more suffering. The toughest time for me right now is not falling asleep, because I am tired at night, but after 4 hours I awake with awful questioning of what took her, what will the autopsy show, could it have been prevented, and these struggles continue for hours with me praying for these thoughts to stop and put my mind at ease. The answer to these thoughts will not comfort me, at least I don't think so. I am an analyzer and a planner, and this was so out of control for a long time. Somehow I keep wishing I could go back in time and find that moment when this would have been reversed. But that is not how life goes. You can only work with what you have in that moment. The doctors are not all-knowing. I have to remember that God could have left her here and instead He took her home. When I gave Kelsey her two options that would pan out after surgery, her sigh of relief and choice to be with Jesus has helped me so much. I have accepted this and know that God is sovereign. It was best for Kelsey. The void is so big. Kelsey was so big in life. She chose to donate her body to NIH a long time ago. We honored her wishes. She wanted to help other Dock 8 patients and this was one way to do it. She always loved science. She wanted to be a doctor, but her health wouldn't allow this rigorous course. It is amazing to me that she taught the doctors and nurses here so many things with her enigma-like disease. The vision shared awhile back on the blog about Kelsey standing in front of a bunch of doctors wearing a white robe has truly happened. Not as we imagined, but as God intended. People asked where to send flowers. This really is not necessary. I would rather money spent would help Be The Match because we still need a perfect match for Karly, or to just help us with whatever we feel led to do in Kelsey's honor. The Celebration of Life for Kelsey will be at Union Chapel Ministries, 4622 N. Broadway, Muncie, IN 47303 on Saturday, Feb.12 at 11:00am in the sanctuary. If her story has touched you, we want to meet you; share the good news with us. I am leaving NIH soon to travel home to be with the family tonight. Pray for strength, safety, and joy as we grieve, yet celebrate the happiness she brought to us.


  1. God speed you safely home!
    We wish you peaceful rest.

  2. Hi Koch family,

    I pray you have a safe journey home today. I know we all feel a big void right now and it’s almost surreal. All of us feel the weight of the past few days. We keep you in our thoughts and prayers always and know that every time we see the sun poke through the clouds, it’s Kelsey smiling down upon us. Let us know if you need anything and keep in touch over the coming weeks.

    John 5:17
    In his defense Jesus said to them, “My Father is always at his work to this very day, and I too am working.”

    Love, Carissa

  3. Tammy I learned not to go to the why's and what ifs as it can literally destroy you. Every time a thought would come I'd rebuke it. It's best this wsy as any conclusion or scenario you come up with will only torment you. Just concentrate on god is good, righteous and just and He knows why. That is one of the first questions I will ask him when I go home and when we will completely understand then. I camped out in psalms. They were very comforting to me. Just a thought. Love you dear friend Darlene

  4. Tammy and Tracy - Your love and dedication to your family is amazing and glorifies God. Everybody is familiar with John 3:16, but not so many are familiar with I John 3:16. It says "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers".

    I believe with all my heart that you have fulfilled that second part of the verse. Not many do. You have gone way beyond the call of duty to love your "brother" (or sister/family in this case).

    Your dedication to prayer and reliance on God to "act" in these modern times is also amazing. God has moved powerfully in many ways. That should continue to build your faith. In the end, at least Kelsey will now be comforted forever in heaven. She got there a little earlier than most.

    May God continue to bless you and your family. You will continue to be in our prayers. Love, Rich Augustin (and family)

  5. We have never met, but I feel led to share with you what God has placed on my heart. I have been following your blog since mid-December when we were told our nine-year-old son might have DOCK8.

    There is nothing I can tell you about our journey that you don't already know. Lots of uncertainty and frustration, and yet always tempered with the knowledge that God is good and brings blessing to us all in His own unique way.

    When I first went online to find information about DOCK8, I was overwhelmed and frightened. Then, I found your blog and started reading. Over the next few days, I read every entry and was in awe of the grace and hope you conveyed in each and every post. Your faith has been a positive, sustaining force in my life recently; so, although I never had the good fortune to meet your lovely Kelsey, her story has had a substantial impact on me.

    We will be making our first trip to the NIH next week, and our son will see Dr. Su and various other specialists during our visit. Hopefully, we will have some answers in the next few weeks. You are correct in what you said about Kelsey paving the way for other DOCK8 patients. I am certain the doctors have learned quite a bit from her experiences, both medically and spiritually. Her decision to donate her body to the NIH is extraordinary. What an exceptional girl she must have been.

    I will continue to pray for you and your family as you celebrate and grieve for Kelsey. In particular, I will pray for peaceful, deep sleep for you; and dreams full of Kelsey - happy, healthy, and whole - dancing with the angels.

    Amy Cordes