Day 6

I am now titling the entries by her number of days "Dancing with the Lord". Since I've been home, the nights are more restful. I think being away from the "thick of it" has been helpful. I still find myself wondering if I was a good mom, did I do all that she needed, was she pleased with me. I do hear these things from others which is helpful, but when I reflect back on those days in the hospital, I still ask, "was I "good" then?". I think the enemy wants me to doubt myself. He will not win. I found the birthday card she gave me at Thanksgiving, and it answered that question for me. I will keep is as a reminder of what she thought about me. What a daughter! The devotional today spoke right to the heart of this issue..."Remember that I can fit everything into a pattern for good, including the things you wish were different." I am hoping to live so I never have to ask the question, "Could I have done something differently?" I will find myself asking this more freely to my other children. My living moment to moment will help with this. I will capture more of what is happening at the moment and look to the Lord for the answers. Life certainly isn't so much about the school work, the scholarships, the extracurricular activities, although these things are very important, and they do make life spicy. It is more about their character, so they can live fully for the Lord, and they know how to look to the Lord for their guidance. Anyway, you know what I mean. It is making sure this is what is best for them, and not so much "my agenda". Kids don't always like the things we make them do. This is normal. I remember Kelsey hating so many things she had to do. Mostly, she was tired of being told to take this medicine and that medicine and get that homework done or finish that project. She matured into these decisions and choices, so she could make them wisely herself. It is hard molding and training children in the way they should go so they won't depart from it. Kelsey had many mentors in her life who helped her be secure in who she was. She knew herself and knew what she desired. She was willing to pay the ultimate sacrifice to find it and keep her focus on letting people know that God is good all the time. I find peace knowing that God intended for me to "be" at this point of time, so I will look to Him for my path each day. It is hard for me to move out of the way, but I wouldn't want to move forward without Him. I am amazed that people can go through any pain and suffering without Him. He is my hope, my future, my comforter, my shield, my provider, my peace. Kelsey was only able to endure all those months with help from the Lord. This is where her strength was pulled from. As she tired, he continued to speak to her. He was drawing her near to Him in so many ways. There was a gradual, gracious drawing that was taking place. He was showing us His plan, yet, we continued to believe in His miraculous power. Even after she flat-lined we believed He could bring her back. Even after the night, I believe she could walk in the next day. It is because we believe He wanted her that we can walk in assurance. It was her appointed time. The enemy stole nothing from us. He didn't steal Kelsey. Kelsey's life was surrendered to Jesus, so it couldn't be stolen. Kelsey is living an abundant life in heaven.
Love,
Mom