Day 23-DANCING WITH THE LORD

Today in my devotional it was talking about sacrifice. "For love seeks not her own, and to please me you will sacrifice your personal wishes whenever they run counter to My highest purposes for your life." I only know that my purpose is to be an available vessel that He will work through. That is what Kelsey did. I rest assured that my personal wish to have Kelsey live out a long fruitful life on earth was not His purpose, and since that is a fact then there is surely a higher purpose in the works. This makes me smile. She lived out her life in complete obedience to Him and her mission: to save the world is being lived out in so many lives. She was God's daughter, and He did use her life for his purposes.

So, when I think about Karly, what do I think. I think Kelsey made a better way for her. I have to guard my heart from fear, doubt, and every negative attitude for only the strong in heart will prevail. I have to continue to have faith "that God causes all things to work together for the good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28.

Love,
Mom

Day 21-DANCING WITH THE LORD

The past week has had its moments of crying. I have these moments when I feel the absence of her presence. Moments like renting a movie to watch without having her there. She loved watching movies. Going through her room at random times looking for something one of the other girls could use makes me miss her. Thinking about what to do for Spring Break because she usually went with us. Getting ready to return to NIH where she and I spent so much time. Thinking about what could have been. When I really think about these things, it is really about self-pity. I want her with me. I am missing those moments we dreamed of. When I focus on God's plan, God's timing, God's healing of her, seeing her dancing in Heaven, that is when I don't feel sad. I just read the book "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo. It is an uplifting book. It confirms for me the beliefs I have of Heaven. Of the reality, Kelsey is living in her glorious new body. She is so happy. She had those glimpses of Heaven. She knew what was waiting for her. So I have a choice to live in deep dependence in Him or live in despair(the hurt of not holding her and having her here). It really is so simple...I don't mean to live it but to choose it. Living a Jesus-centered life is not necessarily easy. In fact, we are called to a higher standard. Kelsey got it. Her life oozed Christ. She never had anything easy, except maybe dance. It came easy to her, but it was painful at times. She reflected Christ because she knew her mission; she knew who she was in Christ. She ran the endurance race and ran it completely to the end. We are all in a race, so let us do it to reflect Christ. If you want to hear an inspiring, encouraging sermon, go to unionchapel.com, media resources, sermon for Feb. 20: Facing the Future. It was awesome, practical, and something to strive for everyday.

For those who are anywhere near the National Institutes of Health, Bethesda, MD. We are having a Memorial Celebration of Kelsey's Life on Feb.28, at 2:00, in The Chapel on the 7th floor of the Hatfield Center, Building 10. You are most welcome to join us.

Love,
Mom

Day 14-DANCING WITH THE LORD

WOW! We, as a family, were blessed by Kelsey's Celebration of Life on Saturday. If you weren't able to share it with us on Saturday, you may still be able to view it on the web at: www.livestream.com/kelseykoch
There are commercials associated with this, just try to x them out as soon as you can.

One of the realizations I learned over the weekend after speaking with a dear friend was how gracious God is. He didn't just go snatch Kelsey away, He brought her into His presence on many occasions. One of the first occasions I can vividly remember was on Dec.26. During the night of December 25, she was in "His presence seeing and hearing many things". She didn't speak of these things until her Grandma entered the room and out of the blue delivered a sight she had witnessed during the night. She had seen Grandpa singing with the Angels. I truly believe that on occasions, He gives people "glimpses into Heaven". Kelsey had a glimpse into Heaven that night. I had asked her about this later because I was very interested in what else she saw. I wanted to know about Heaven and the things she had seen. She simply and matter of factly said that she "saw and heard many things and that only those they were meant for would hear about them." I was in awe. We saw her giggling when there was nothing to giggle about, and many of those times when she was "out of it" she was in His presence. It is really cool to know this about God. She had the choice to stay or go, and actually who would ever choose to stay when you have had a "glimpse into Heaven". You see, this is what makes her homegoing special. Yes, I miss her greatly, her dancing the DDR, her just sitting around, her sharing my shower space(with all her shampoos, razors, soaps), her cooking her special foods, just her. Since I know her desire was to "be with Jesus", then I can rest a bit easier. My mind still wanders to the journey, finding the point when this outcome wouldn't have been so, but you know, it was her time, so nothing was going to prevent this outcome. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 There is an appointed time for everything. The part that torments me is prevention, so this is where I need prayer. I am a preventer...don't put that cup on the edge of the table, or next to your elbow, or don't take that to school...you will leave it. Part of that is wisdom, experience in knowing your child, but part of it is not having to deal with the aftermath. Maybe aftermath is part of the learning...I don't know....just babbling. I KNOW it was her time, but still wanted to prevent it. I want to know things so I can do all I can do right for Karly. I want to protect her. Part of Kelsey going first was just that. She knew it. She accepted that. Learning everything the doctors could so it would eventually be perfected for the next one was part of the plan. Little did we know how difficult this would be. These are the battles of the mind...between trusting God and wanting to take control. I want to know the things I need to know, but put the rest of out of my mind. God knows what I need; I don't. He has been faithful all along this journey. God's plan is not fully revealed so that we can understand it, but we HAVE to TRUST in it. She was so willing to sacrifice for others which breaks my heart because I wanted to live out our dreams, but also makes me so proud of the way she chose to live her life fully committed to God.
Love,
Mom

The Celebration

Hey everybody,
What a great celebration Saturday. So many wonderful people all praising God for a life well spent. I want you to know we shared in a time that was exactly what Kelsey would desire and what God smiled upon. We felt saddened by the reason for the event but by the time it was over I could really sense a joy at knowing we had honored God and symbolized just what made Kelsey the person she is.
God truly smiled on Saturday. As this blog goes along, you may see more testimony to how Kelsey continues to influence people. The stories I heard on Saturday inspired me, humbled me, and honored the power of God working through my precious daughter. There were life changing stories of empowerment and joy, hopelessness to transforming new beginnings, and shared joy and togetherness. Yes, you blessed me with tales of a person committed to loving like Jesus and sacrificing for His good pleasure.
Then there was the worship. It was so genuine and uplifting, libertating and freeing. There was a spark of God that kindled a blazing fire. I hope you recieved a saturation of God's smoke. I know I did.
Thanks again for sharing and showing the support you have been all during our rainstorm.
Just a reminder that we are still praying for that perfect match for Karly. We don't know when or if Karly will be dancing in the rain, but God does and will share that with her in His due time. And when he does, Kelsey's dance instruction will surely allow us the steps needed to dance in that rain.
Love
dad

Day 7: DANCING WITH THE LORD!

Tammy asked me if I would write something for the blog several days ago. I have had an extremely difficult time in deciding what to share with all those of you who have been so diligently seeking the latest update on Kelsey. I’m just guessing that all of you were doing the same thing I was, even when I out to NIH to stay with Kelsey during the twelve hour night vigils. The first thing I’d do upon waking was to check the blog or Tammy’s Facebook page to see how Kelsey was doing that day. Many a day I checked in probably 10 – 20 times when nothing new was there. Now that the shoe is on my foot, I wonder how Tammy was even able to put words to the days, nights, ups and downs.

To me, the sixteen days I spent at NIH with Kelsey feel almost holy. Definitely they are experiences hard to share by putting them in words because many are painful and those are better left in my head and brought to the Counselor and One who was there with me. After much thought and seeking God’s direction for what to “share”, there is a definite situation that stands out that I believe exemplifies what Kelsey believed, felt, and experienced the last few days when she had one foot in this world and one foot in eternity.

The Long Night

1/31/11

All night Kelsey had been in pain, some of the worst I personally had seen her experience. However, even in the midst of this long night she had continued to chuckle all night. I couldn’t understand what she was saying when I asked her why she was laughing. On this night, we moved for the last time from the pediatric unit to the ICU. *(If you have a weak stomach, you may want to skip the next few lines). She had just finished vomiting blood again and said that she wanted to lie back down. She did, and within just a couple of minutes she was chuckling again. I asked her again why she was laughing. This time she just smiled and said, “cause I’m happy, I guess.”

That’s why Kelsey was so special!!!! I liked her before I went out to NIH, but definitely came to love her and her fight, determination, and positive attitude. However, it is firmly my belief that Kelsey was getting glimpses of heaven, and it must be just pure delight! She had told me on several occasions that she just wanted to go be with her Heavenly Father and let Him hold her in His arms. It reminded me of the verse in 1 John 4:18 that says, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear….”

Now for a few lighthearted moments I think that you might find interesting. My goal was to make a list of some of Kelsey’s favorite things by asking her one question a night. Some nights, it just didn’t work out to talk about them. The following are the answers to seven of those questions.

Things that are Kelsey’s Favorites

1. Christmas present – her iPod

2. Movie- (series) – Lord of the Rings

3. Colors – green & blue

4. Food – ribs, chicken, broccoli

5. Holiday- Christmas & Easter (Easter ended up winning out)

6. Her favorite thing with her dad – Trading backrubs (they had a deal worked out to give equal times)

7. Favorite pet – her dog, Midnight

The last thing I’ll share is because I just happened to take a picture and maybe you’d like to see her smile on more time. I apologize for the quality of the pictures, but it was dark and taken from my phone.

After noticing that beautiful smile of hers……….. take a look at her socks. The previous night Kelsey woke up and was awake for a while. The only thing good on at the time was QVC. (I hear laughter in the audience!) Anyway, the ladies were modeling some knee high socks of assorted colors and design. Kelsey commented on how she really liked the black ones with multi-colored dots. Oddly enough just that morning I had gone into the gift-shop and had seen these really awesome socks. They had several varieties, but I noticed these black ones with multi-colored dots!!! So of course the following morning I had to go get them for her. She really liked those socks. : )

Written by Kelly Beeson

February 7, 2011

Day 6

I am now titling the entries by her number of days "Dancing with the Lord". Since I've been home, the nights are more restful. I think being away from the "thick of it" has been helpful. I still find myself wondering if I was a good mom, did I do all that she needed, was she pleased with me. I do hear these things from others which is helpful, but when I reflect back on those days in the hospital, I still ask, "was I "good" then?". I think the enemy wants me to doubt myself. He will not win. I found the birthday card she gave me at Thanksgiving, and it answered that question for me. I will keep is as a reminder of what she thought about me. What a daughter! The devotional today spoke right to the heart of this issue..."Remember that I can fit everything into a pattern for good, including the things you wish were different." I am hoping to live so I never have to ask the question, "Could I have done something differently?" I will find myself asking this more freely to my other children. My living moment to moment will help with this. I will capture more of what is happening at the moment and look to the Lord for the answers. Life certainly isn't so much about the school work, the scholarships, the extracurricular activities, although these things are very important, and they do make life spicy. It is more about their character, so they can live fully for the Lord, and they know how to look to the Lord for their guidance. Anyway, you know what I mean. It is making sure this is what is best for them, and not so much "my agenda". Kids don't always like the things we make them do. This is normal. I remember Kelsey hating so many things she had to do. Mostly, she was tired of being told to take this medicine and that medicine and get that homework done or finish that project. She matured into these decisions and choices, so she could make them wisely herself. It is hard molding and training children in the way they should go so they won't depart from it. Kelsey had many mentors in her life who helped her be secure in who she was. She knew herself and knew what she desired. She was willing to pay the ultimate sacrifice to find it and keep her focus on letting people know that God is good all the time. I find peace knowing that God intended for me to "be" at this point of time, so I will look to Him for my path each day. It is hard for me to move out of the way, but I wouldn't want to move forward without Him. I am amazed that people can go through any pain and suffering without Him. He is my hope, my future, my comforter, my shield, my provider, my peace. Kelsey was only able to endure all those months with help from the Lord. This is where her strength was pulled from. As she tired, he continued to speak to her. He was drawing her near to Him in so many ways. There was a gradual, gracious drawing that was taking place. He was showing us His plan, yet, we continued to believe in His miraculous power. Even after she flat-lined we believed He could bring her back. Even after the night, I believe she could walk in the next day. It is because we believe He wanted her that we can walk in assurance. It was her appointed time. The enemy stole nothing from us. He didn't steal Kelsey. Kelsey's life was surrendered to Jesus, so it couldn't be stolen. Kelsey is living an abundant life in heaven.
Love,
Mom

Day 92

Kelsey began Day 1 on Wednesday Feb. 2 at 5:17pm. Today was to be the beginning of her new fight. It is sad we didn't get this opportunity, but then again, as we trust our Heavenly Father, I can only think that He just spared her more suffering. The toughest time for me right now is not falling asleep, because I am tired at night, but after 4 hours I awake with awful questioning of what took her, what will the autopsy show, could it have been prevented, and these struggles continue for hours with me praying for these thoughts to stop and put my mind at ease. The answer to these thoughts will not comfort me, at least I don't think so. I am an analyzer and a planner, and this was so out of control for a long time. Somehow I keep wishing I could go back in time and find that moment when this would have been reversed. But that is not how life goes. You can only work with what you have in that moment. The doctors are not all-knowing. I have to remember that God could have left her here and instead He took her home. When I gave Kelsey her two options that would pan out after surgery, her sigh of relief and choice to be with Jesus has helped me so much. I have accepted this and know that God is sovereign. It was best for Kelsey. The void is so big. Kelsey was so big in life. She chose to donate her body to NIH a long time ago. We honored her wishes. She wanted to help other Dock 8 patients and this was one way to do it. She always loved science. She wanted to be a doctor, but her health wouldn't allow this rigorous course. It is amazing to me that she taught the doctors and nurses here so many things with her enigma-like disease. The vision shared awhile back on the blog about Kelsey standing in front of a bunch of doctors wearing a white robe has truly happened. Not as we imagined, but as God intended. People asked where to send flowers. This really is not necessary. I would rather money spent would help Be The Match because we still need a perfect match for Karly, or to just help us with whatever we feel led to do in Kelsey's honor. The Celebration of Life for Kelsey will be at Union Chapel Ministries, 4622 N. Broadway, Muncie, IN 47303 on Saturday, Feb.12 at 11:00am in the sanctuary. If her story has touched you, we want to meet you; share the good news with us. I am leaving NIH soon to travel home to be with the family tonight. Pray for strength, safety, and joy as we grieve, yet celebrate the happiness she brought to us.
Love,
Mom

Someone told me that finally the rain has ended. A wonderful touching comfort to know that this storm we have been dancing in has subsided. But not if I know my Kelsey. You seen, the Lord promised all Christian's trials and tribulation on earth. So I'm sure for Kelsey, being with my Lord, her earthly storm being overcome, there will be a heavenly storm to dance in. Oh the pain and the suffering will Not be there, These rain drops will be soaking joy and refreshing life. But she isn't done serving her first love. For eternity she will want to dance in His perfect storm.
We said so long on groundhogs day. That's sorta like a hamster isn't it. Anyway, our grief is real. It is hard to comprehend a life here on earth without my Sweet Pea. And it will be hard for sure to count to 7 and not 8 when we do the head count in the van. There are real things, real plans I so wanted to see happen. A dad always thinks of the moment when he walks down the isle, presenting his lovely daughter to be married and gaining yet another family member as they join in the new mix. There were some pretty special events yet to be covered in Kelsey's earthly life. The regret of never having those things is painful. But I am such a pig anyway. I have always gotten so much more out of life then any man deserves. And I will be comforted with the wonderful memories of a perfect beautiful life changing daughter. Kelsey was / is the perfect daughter. I can't wait to catch up just a short time from now when we meet with my Jesus.
So many of you need to be commended during this dance for the beautiful Christian character you have display as you carried our umbrella while our hands were full, guiding us lovingly around deep puddles, and offering us such kind shelters in this storm. I will never have enough thank yous to go around. One can only hope our joy can be made complete by our eternal bond we will share. And if you are reading this and don't know of that bond, please consider the weather man (Jesus)! For without Him, I would be so lost right now, but with Him, I have Joy, Hope , safety, security , and a future of praise. Tammy and I love you all and truly can't wait to hug you all around the neck. I know for some of you that will be soon, but for others, that hug may be in heaven. But a hugging we will go!!!!!!

Day 90

Kelsey went home to Jesus today at 5:17pm. We spent most of the day hovering over her bed, rubbing her head, her feet, her arms, and holding her hand. We just wanted her to feel our presence. We sang songs around her bed; we played her Ipod. We talked about things she liked, music she would be dancing to, told her we loved her over and over again. We also told her it was okay to go be with Jesus. She may have continued this fight longer than she wanted for us, but she fought hard. She suffered so much. She still had the most pleasant way to greet her doctors and still had the sweetest smile. God had a plan. We believed to the end that she would get a miracle, yet we also saw her going away. It was peaceful to the end. She was peaceful to the end. We were surrounded by our family. Kelly, Angie, and Karly were with Tracy and me. Tyler, Trent, Konner, and Kassidy were on phones singing with us. We were able to skype, and they all were able to see her and us. So many staff came by to hug on us. My sis Debbie with Deana and Hannah came to the hospital to just have closer. They are spending the night, and we were able to share thoughts, pray, and cry. We have a hole. No denying that. I am happy the suffering for her and our family is over, but so sad for our hole. Kelsey's personality was big...her faith, her laugh, her smile, her dancing. She certainly did things big. She left this world big also. By that I mean she touched more lives than I know. She stayed a medical mystery to the end. She has paved a way for other Dock 8 patients, including her sister. She was an incredible young woman. I feel so proud to be her mother. I am ready to come home, but this is not how I pictured it. I really thought I would be bringing her home. We have details to finish up here. We should be home this weekend sometime. We will have a memorial service for her in Muncie and probably here at NIH also. I haven't slept for 2 nights so I am heading off now to do this, but I wanted you all to know that we are not mad, angry, or otherwise. We have a void that cannot be filled for now. We are anxious to hear about how you knew Kelsey or how she has touched you or how her story has changed your life or how you have drawn nearer to Jesus. These are the things that will help fill the void. We want to fill the void with this good news.
Love,
Mom